Oh! Hello there! I’m not sure exactly how nearly a month has passed since my last post. Well, that’s not really true. Between Christmas and a shiny new relationship and New Years and work and a birthday, there hasn’t been a lot of extra time.
I can get really stressed out during seasons like this. Times when I feel like things are out of balance. When I succeed at one thing only to fail at another.
In the past few years, though, I’ve begun to wonder if balance is really the thing I should be striving for. Because, to be honest, it feels pretty futile. Balance calls to mind scales we used in science class. I remember placing an item on the scale, and then sliding the bar to find the weight. I would get it close, and then, tap tap tap, to try to find the exact weight.
Tap tap tap. The bar wavered, hitting the top, hitting the bottom. I would hold my breath, then tap tap tap again. Finally I would shrug, write down my answer on the xeroxed worksheet, and cross my fingers that it was right.
Balance seems like an endless series of tap tap tap.
I need to see that friend. Tap tap tap. I need to find freelance work. Tap tap tap. When was the last time I talked to my mom? Tap tap tap. But I really want to go on a date. Tap tap tap.
Held breath. Crossed fingers. But where’s the joy?
But if it’s not balance, what is it? I believe that our lives are made up of seasons.
Right now, as I look outside my window, it is winter. Cold, snowy, impossibly blue skies. In a few months, I will look outside my window and see buds on the tree that is currently shrouded in ice. Spring. After that, the buds will unfurl and that tree will be filled with leaves. Summer. Finally, those leaves will turn yellow and flutter to the ground. Fall. And then we’ll start over again.
There is order to the seasons. But I wouldn’t call it balance. I don’t expect to wear t-shirts and flip flops in the winter. And I don’t plan to barbecue in the winter.
So right now, I’m in a season where maybe I’m not doing as much writing. Where I need to focus on building that shiny new relationship. And in another season, my family will need more of my time. Perhaps there will be a season where I will go on a book tour (a girl can hope!)
I don’t know what the next season will hold. All I know is I can be fully present in the season I’m in. And stop the infernal tap tap tapping.